Day 5 Capture Your Grief - Memorial

I'm really 'into' memorial things. When Dad died, I bought art work by my friend who paints Wembury and my sister and I designed these prints which represent the coordinates for where we scattered Dad's ashes by the Mewstone in Wembury. 

I ran the Race for Life for Dad too

Was booked in to run it this year, but it was the day after having Isla, so couldn't do it. Definitely be doing it next year. 

For Isla, I've done a few things already and more to come. I have chosen the tattoo as the most current memorial thing I've done for her. 

 Forget-me-nots, crab apple blossoms in pink and a star at the top for dad. 

Her casket - I made the burial gown after getting out of hospital and made the teddy the day she was born - it stayed with us in Dan's pocket throughout labour and stayed with Isla at the hospital, the mortuary and the funeral home, to be buried with her in her beautiful resting place. 

Her resting place. We will plant a Crab Apple tree specially for Isla on December 1st. For now, I tied ribbon around the tree that is already at her grave. 

 I was up visiting her grave when she was first buried and there was nothing to mark it. I found some little stones and made a butterfly. Kept me busy for a while but it's still there and looks 'part of' the grave now. 

 I've added more bits to her grave since, including an artificial blossom branch and a little statue of a baby cradled in hands. I wanted people to recognise it was a baby's grave, but you can actually already tell because they leave a 'mound' where the person lays, to encourage it to return to nature. 

 I made more teddies (4 so far) like the one I made Isla and donated them to the delivery suite because they were just so unprepared for a mother going through a loss. Hopefully going to start working with someone on getting some proper memory boxes into Derriford Hospital. 

 The prayer flag I sent to Australia for Carly's Prayer Flag project. So proud of it!

So what's to come in memory of Isla? Well, the weekend of her due date we are climbing a mountain in the Brecon Beacons. Got to think of something to place at the top for her - probably a flower.

A friend of my mum is planning to host a dinner dance for the Snowdrop Appeal and my school are donating money and holding a 'Mufti day' for that charity too. 

Stay tuned!

If you want to donate to the Snowdrop Appeal, visit their JustGiving page here:

 

Day 4 Capture Your Grief - Treasured Item

Wow. A difficult one again. My most treasured item is Isla's memory box - because it's FULL of treasured items, including the dress she wore in hospital, a little teddy the midwife gave me, the muslin cloth we wrapped her in and the wee hat she wore on her perfect little head.

Also in there are photos, her hospital bands, her hand and foot prints, a letter I wrote her and other bits and bobs we've been given or bought along the way. 

But it was so hard to choose one photo, so I spent some time creating a collage of perfect memories. I love this!

Day 3 - After Loss Self-Portrait

Day 3 of Capture Your Grief and it's After Loss Self-Portrait today. It's hard to choose to be honest, so again I've chosen a main one - the most treasured and personal photo ever taken of me -  and then added some extras that show different aspects of the last almost-3 months of my life.

My beautiful baby girl and I, the night she was born sleeping

Even though it was the saddest moment of my life, I couldn't help but smile when I looked at her. She was so beautiful - just what I'd always wanted! A little bundle of perfection and she was all mine (and Dan's!). She didn't need to see me crying, I wanted her to feel happiness around her not feel tears. Yes, I know she was already gone, but she still needed hugs and joy. How could I not look at her wonderful face and smile through the pain?

I wish I had more photos of me holding her, but the ones I have are perfect nonetheless. Some other self-portraits since this moment are:

Family portrait

In France, after getting out of hospital but before Isla's funeral - smiling through the pain but usually breaking down shortly after

 Bought a new car on a whim - this colour/make but a brand new one! How tiny and impractical could I go?!

Me and my daughter in her beautiful resting place

With my Aching Arms bear at the Angel of the North

At a friend's wedding just this weekend

Day 2 - Capture your Grief - Before Loss Self-Portrait

Day 2 of Capture your Grief and it's time to dig out a Before Loss Self-Portrait. Now, I really don't have many, other than bump shots from when I was pregnant. I've put any I do have at the bottom of this post. The one I have submitted into the project is this one:

This was taken 2 days before we found out we had lost our miracle baby. I have no proper shots of me plus head as I was obsessed with chronicling my amazing growing body. I'm glad I can't see my face cos I don't think I'd recognise myself. A naive face, so utterly happy and excited that in 3 short months our very much wanted baby girl would arrive. Isla was born sleeping at exactly 26 weeks. I am jealous of the person in this picture as I can never be her again.

Other shots of me during pregnancy:

 14-15 weeks or so

 

About 15 weeks with my brother

Day 1 - Capture your Grief - Sunrise

As a start to the Capture your Grief month of photographs for  Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month (herewith to be referred to on my blog as PILA Month as it takes so long to type out!) I am posting this picture as my first entry for the subject of 'Sunrise'. 

I am drawn to this painting of a sunrise of the Mewstone in Wembury. I painted it for Dad's funeral guest book last January. We scattered his ashes near the Mewstone and when I see this painting it reminds me of the grief I felt nearly 2 years ago. But also now, I think of how my dad would be with all we're going through. He would be so amazingly supportive, sad and strong, all at the same time. He would have been the best granddad ever and wanted us to have our own wee family so badly. When I was pregnant, I always hated that he died before he knew he would be a granddad. But now he gets to look after Isla for us in Heaven. 

 This second picture isn't of a sunrise, but it's that moment in the sky where the clouds are slightly parted and the rays of gentle sunlight shine through the clouds, as if Heaven is trying to touch Earth. Such moments always take my breath away as I always imagined it was Dad saying Hi. This photo was taken on the way back from the funeral of my oldest, best friend's mum in Scotland. We stopped to photograph it as it was just so striking. Ever since then, whenever I see Heaven in this way, I think of Dad and now I think of Isla too.  She is up there with Dad and they are both forever in my heart - when I see the sky doing this, I feel closer to them both. 

First day off work today...

So today is my first day off work. Went to the docs on Tuesday and she signed me off until Nov 5th (start of term 2 at school) but wants to see me in the half term holidays (I'm away in Croatia actually, so can't!) to renew my sick note until Christmas/January. 

Feels strange but I know it's the right thing.

I had Isla on 13.7.12, the last week of the summer term. Her funeral was on 30.7.12 and then we went to France for a week. When we got back, we only had 3 weeks until school started again but I'd already told them I'd be going back in to teach my new class. 

Well, I lasted 4 weeks! It was so hard to be there. My brain just doesn't function properly yet. I have no confidence in myself and have such an awful class I'm constantly shouting and repeating myself, which is incredibly draining. At home, we're trying to move house (sale been going through 6 months now so is very tiring too!), have the follow-up consultation and PM results on Monday and my due date is the 18th October. All these things, I just need to get through. And this Friday is when I was due to stop working anyway for maternity leave. 

Am seeing my counsellors tonight and also going to a Big Noise choir I joined, so should be an evening of mixed emotions. 

Oh, and I also picked up my brand spankers Fiat 500 this afternoon! Photos later!

Coming up - Capture your Grief 2012

Another stunning project by Carly Marie is the Capture your Grief project, where you take photos through the month of October - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I'm looking forward to this as I like photography! Carly has released details of the subjects for each day. They are: 

Carly adds more details about each day on the blog, so I must remember to check it out regularly!She also reminds me of the October 15th Wave of Light that will be going around the world at 7pm. What a beautiful sentiment - I imagine being in a space shuttle floating above the Earth, being able to see all the little lights rolling across the planet at their own 7pm's!