Day 16 Capture Your Grief - Release

Release is a funny one. It seems wrong to 'release' feelings sometimes. I like to bottle them up and keep schtum about them really. But losing Isla has taught me that I need to talk to people more. So release has become something I've been practising!

The things I have chosen are:

Sewing - I'm doing some craft fairs this Christmas so am putting my love of sewing to good use, putting the profits into the Snowdrop Appeal. 
Big Noise Choir - 2 hours on a Thursday night where I am completely absorbed doing something fun!
Bootcamp - 3 times a week (on a good week!) where I can scream, grunt, cry and sweat - and shout back at someone!
Visiting Isla's grave - I find peace here because it is such a beautiful place. I shall visit there this week on Thursday, as it is my due date on the 18th. 
















As time goes on hopefully I will find more things that bring me peace. Talking to friends and family about Isla, about my feelings and about things that frustrate me is probably the biggest release but the things above give me those moments of silence in my brain. 

Day 13 Capture Your Grief - Signs

I used to believe in 'signs'. I used to think seeing certain things was a 'sign' from God, or Dad or the cosmos that something was going to happen. 

When we got pregnant 3 days after deciding to give up on trying for a baby and accept our infertility, I took it as a sign that someone up there didn't want us to give up. Blimey, that was a great sign! We had never known such happiness. 

And then Isla died. 

So what is that a sign of? Are we being taught a lesson? Are we supposed to just accept that now? Did we do something wrong that we deserved this?

So now, the only signs I see are bad. 

Day 12 Capture Your Grief - Scents

I didn't post yesterday. I had a funny day. Getting ridiculously angry about house move not happening still - it seems to be consuming so much of my emotions. So I didn't feel I could give this the proper attention yesterday. I had a lovely afternoon with a friend and her kids but by the evening just needed to chill out with Homeland and a glass of wine. 

So, is there a scent I associate with Isla? Not really, I guess. The only thing I 'smell' is her little hat, dress, muslin and blanket that she was in while in hospital with me. The funeral home washed them for me and gave them to me after her burial and they are so precious to me. I bury my face in them and although I can only smell washing powder now, I can imagine the wonderful scent of a newborn baby or talcum powder or even a dirty nappy. Scents I never got to smell with Isla. 

Day 9 Capture Your Grief - Special Place

You never imagine that you will go into hospital pregnant and full of hope but come out with a bunch of information about funerals for babies. It's not right. Parents aren't supposed to bury their children, no matter the age. 

Dan and I didn't really think about the practicalities of organising a funeral too much but since I had a few days in hospital after having Isla, I started to consider the options. Baby garden with the other babies, a grave yard plot or something else. Driving out to see Dad in the beautiful South Hams, we had driven past a sign for the Woodland Burial Ground a hundred times at least. It had caught my eye a few times over the years as somewhere I thought was a lovely idea, but I'd want to be cremated so it never really registered properly. 

But it popped into my head in that hospital room and just felt right. Close to Dad's home, near our favourite dog walks, and somewhere we would feel comfortable visiting Isla. For me, the big selling point was that she would be surrounded by nature. Beautiful flowers and trees growing around her forever, creatures thriving in the earth and butterflies loving being around her. She would be surrounded by beauty and growth - she never got to grow up but could be amongst life. The idea is that eventually the plots will return to nature and the whole site will be a wild woodland once again. 

I think it's perfect.                                                            (click to enlarge)

It was a lovely day, the sun was shining. It was a quick 'service' by a minister we know well, Andy Caldwell - very simple but all we needed. For us, it was about having our loved ones around us. We had originally wanted it to be small, just the 2 of us and direct family. But more and more people asked to come, wanted to be with us and support us, recognising our daughter. She touched more people than we could have fathomed and that became clear on the 30th July 2012. 

The photo shows me standing aside her grave to show the size of it really. I was taken aback by how tiny she looked compared to other adult-sized mounds of earth. You can also see the little butterfly I made for her.  The other photo is a poem I tied to the tree that is at the head of her grave. It flew away into the wind over the next few days, which I liked - she took it for herself! The ribbons are still there and I've added more to her grave since. 

These last photos are how it currently looks:

Day 8 Capture Your Grief - Jewellery

What a lovely subject today. Certainly less painful but nonetheless poignant than the other days so far.

I love having significant treasures around my neck. For instance, when Dad got ill, Dan bought me a cross saying "Every little helps" although he doesn't believe in 'all that stuff' really! I wore it solidly for at least 2 years, through Dad dying and IVF treatments. Then mum gave me a different cross which Dad had given her when she was younger. So then I wore that one. That's the cross in the middle in the photo below. I then wore that one for about a year solidly too!

The day we vowed to stop 'trying' for a baby was the day of the cancelled Ireland 6-Nations game last February. So in addition to the cross from mum/dad, I had put a shamrock pendant on the chain too. It's one of those ones where it has a real flower inside the resin. I was still wearing it when we got the positive pregnancy test, so wore it the whole pregnancy. I took it off the day we found out Isla had died. I'm not sure I'll be able to wear that one again, and didn't photograph it today.

When Isla was born sleeping, I realised I needed another piece of jewellery that I could buy myself and wear daily. So I found a real-flower in resin one, shaped like a heart with little forget-me-nots inside. It's beautiful and is the one on the right in the photo. 

My birthday was 1 month exactly after Isla was born, on 13th August. A day I didn't really feel like celebrating and I was lucky enough to have a lot of my family around me. My mum sent me a beautiful necklace (on the left) with a card that read:

.... I don't want to overwork things or be morbid or anything, but I chose this necklace for lots of reasons.  I wanted something in Rose Quartz as it stands for Hope, Love and Healing, which I want for you. When I saw this particular design, I knew it was the one I wanted because the description on the Hot Diamonds website described it as being 'cradled' in the silver flowers. I thought that was a lovely image and made me think of wee Isla being cradled in her natural surroundings, especially when we get some flowers planted. And, then, the 'Hot Diamonds' bit is a bit of a link to your Dad as he and I bought you Hot Diamond things for your graduation [and my 21st birthday]. So, lots of symbolism and nice thoughts! I hope you like it.

Well, I love it. It's very special and gets worn on very special occasions!

All these necklaces are so special to me. I remember Dan phoning me from town as he was looking for my birthday present. I've always wound him up that he would have to buy me a full eternity ring on the birth of our first child. Well, Dan was in the jewellers when he rang to ask if I wanted one, having had Isla. What a difficult question to ask and even more difficult to answer. I said No, as it turns out. I have the necklaces to remind me of Isla and I'd love to have an eternity ring on the birth of a living child. I've got enough memories of Isla and I'm running out of space on my fingers!

Day 7 Capture Your Grief - What To Say

I'm still reeling from reading everyone's 'What Not to Say' comments on Facebook from yesterday, Day 6. I have to say in summary, the most hurtful thing is NOTHING. Agreed by many people in the group. I know it's hard for people but literally ignoring the fact that I had a daughter called Isla at all is the most incredibly painful thing from people I know. To be fair, it hasn't happened a great deal amongst close friends. Work colleagues, yes. But not close friends and family who know and love us. 

So, after a hard one yesterday, it was also really difficult to think of things that have been especially good to hear. I picked 4 phrases I wish people would say more often actually. Thank you to those people who say these things in all genuineness.  
(Click on pic to enlarge)

1. How are you, Sara? I really want to know. What lovely words. Not just an empty 'How are you?' but a simple prompt that means you really want to know. You actually care and want to hear whether I'm having a good day, a bad day or a so-so day. If I'm having a bad day, you are going to listen. If I'm having a so-so day, I may not want to go into it, and that's fine with you. If I'm having a good day, you won't assume I'm over Isla and can laugh and joke guilt-free, because that's not the case. If I'm having a 'good' day it just means I'm coping better that day. It means I'll probably go home and have a cry and feel terrible that I managed to have some fun for a while. 

2. How is Dan? Dan has been my rock but he is grieving deeply too. Again though, please don't ask if you don't want to actually hear how he's doing! 

3. Please tell me about Isla. I'm afraid my brain is completely obsessed with Isla. I could talk about her all day every day. I spend a huge majority of my day thinking about her. She has impacted my life like I never believed possible. Thing is, when I get going, I might not be able to stop. I have to try to hold myself back when I realise people may have heard enough. But, if you are brave enough to ask and are genuine in that, please do. I even have photos!

4. I don't know what to say. This is so much better than Nothing. I respect this response to my grief. Who on Earth really knows what exactly to say to someone whose baby has died? How can you really have the words for someone who gave birth to a sleeping baby, heard deafening silence in that moment, cried as she held her newborn baby girl and buried her amongst the meadow flowers?

I think what it boils down to is HONESTY. Please don't say Nothing, just be HONEST. 

A simple text, an invite for lunch or drinks, a quick phone call or even stop in. All these things I crave. I don't want to have to call you for these things. I will never feel ready to do that and if I do, it's because I'm desperate for company. 

Day 5 Capture Your Grief - Memorial

I'm really 'into' memorial things. When Dad died, I bought art work by my friend who paints Wembury and my sister and I designed these prints which represent the coordinates for where we scattered Dad's ashes by the Mewstone in Wembury. 

I ran the Race for Life for Dad too

Was booked in to run it this year, but it was the day after having Isla, so couldn't do it. Definitely be doing it next year. 

For Isla, I've done a few things already and more to come. I have chosen the tattoo as the most current memorial thing I've done for her. 

 Forget-me-nots, crab apple blossoms in pink and a star at the top for dad. 

Her casket - I made the burial gown after getting out of hospital and made the teddy the day she was born - it stayed with us in Dan's pocket throughout labour and stayed with Isla at the hospital, the mortuary and the funeral home, to be buried with her in her beautiful resting place. 

Her resting place. We will plant a Crab Apple tree specially for Isla on December 1st. For now, I tied ribbon around the tree that is already at her grave. 

 I was up visiting her grave when she was first buried and there was nothing to mark it. I found some little stones and made a butterfly. Kept me busy for a while but it's still there and looks 'part of' the grave now. 

 I've added more bits to her grave since, including an artificial blossom branch and a little statue of a baby cradled in hands. I wanted people to recognise it was a baby's grave, but you can actually already tell because they leave a 'mound' where the person lays, to encourage it to return to nature. 

 I made more teddies (4 so far) like the one I made Isla and donated them to the delivery suite because they were just so unprepared for a mother going through a loss. Hopefully going to start working with someone on getting some proper memory boxes into Derriford Hospital. 

 The prayer flag I sent to Australia for Carly's Prayer Flag project. So proud of it!

So what's to come in memory of Isla? Well, the weekend of her due date we are climbing a mountain in the Brecon Beacons. Got to think of something to place at the top for her - probably a flower.

A friend of my mum is planning to host a dinner dance for the Snowdrop Appeal and my school are donating money and holding a 'Mufti day' for that charity too. 

Stay tuned!

If you want to donate to the Snowdrop Appeal, visit their JustGiving page here:

 

Day 4 Capture Your Grief - Treasured Item

Wow. A difficult one again. My most treasured item is Isla's memory box - because it's FULL of treasured items, including the dress she wore in hospital, a little teddy the midwife gave me, the muslin cloth we wrapped her in and the wee hat she wore on her perfect little head.

Also in there are photos, her hospital bands, her hand and foot prints, a letter I wrote her and other bits and bobs we've been given or bought along the way. 

But it was so hard to choose one photo, so I spent some time creating a collage of perfect memories. I love this!

Day 3 - After Loss Self-Portrait

Day 3 of Capture Your Grief and it's After Loss Self-Portrait today. It's hard to choose to be honest, so again I've chosen a main one - the most treasured and personal photo ever taken of me -  and then added some extras that show different aspects of the last almost-3 months of my life.

My beautiful baby girl and I, the night she was born sleeping

Even though it was the saddest moment of my life, I couldn't help but smile when I looked at her. She was so beautiful - just what I'd always wanted! A little bundle of perfection and she was all mine (and Dan's!). She didn't need to see me crying, I wanted her to feel happiness around her not feel tears. Yes, I know she was already gone, but she still needed hugs and joy. How could I not look at her wonderful face and smile through the pain?

I wish I had more photos of me holding her, but the ones I have are perfect nonetheless. Some other self-portraits since this moment are:

Family portrait

In France, after getting out of hospital but before Isla's funeral - smiling through the pain but usually breaking down shortly after

 Bought a new car on a whim - this colour/make but a brand new one! How tiny and impractical could I go?!

Me and my daughter in her beautiful resting place

With my Aching Arms bear at the Angel of the North

At a friend's wedding just this weekend

Day 2 - Capture your Grief - Before Loss Self-Portrait

Day 2 of Capture your Grief and it's time to dig out a Before Loss Self-Portrait. Now, I really don't have many, other than bump shots from when I was pregnant. I've put any I do have at the bottom of this post. The one I have submitted into the project is this one:

This was taken 2 days before we found out we had lost our miracle baby. I have no proper shots of me plus head as I was obsessed with chronicling my amazing growing body. I'm glad I can't see my face cos I don't think I'd recognise myself. A naive face, so utterly happy and excited that in 3 short months our very much wanted baby girl would arrive. Isla was born sleeping at exactly 26 weeks. I am jealous of the person in this picture as I can never be her again.

Other shots of me during pregnancy:

 14-15 weeks or so

 

About 15 weeks with my brother

Coming up - Capture your Grief 2012

Another stunning project by Carly Marie is the Capture your Grief project, where you take photos through the month of October - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I'm looking forward to this as I like photography! Carly has released details of the subjects for each day. They are: 

Carly adds more details about each day on the blog, so I must remember to check it out regularly!She also reminds me of the October 15th Wave of Light that will be going around the world at 7pm. What a beautiful sentiment - I imagine being in a space shuttle floating above the Earth, being able to see all the little lights rolling across the planet at their own 7pm's!