Day 18 Capture Your Grief - Family Portrait

I can't take a family portrait today because Dan had to go to Scotland to work. Today is our due date and both of us were dreading being apart. However, thanks to great friends I know that I have certainly found more peace today than I thought I would. He is meeting me tomorrow in the Brecon Beacons to prepare for our mountain climb on Saturday!

Today I went for lunch at the Ship Inn, Noss Mayo

Then laid some flowers on Isla's grave.

Then we had a lovely riverside walk with Fudge and my friend Jess. A very lovely way to spend the day. I do hope Dan managed to find some peace today amongst his hard work. 

But because Dan was away, I have chosen a photo of us the week after Isla's funeral, when we were in France. I have this photo up in our living room. I don't have any photos of Isla up at all but this photo reminds me of that time. Of the week we escaped to the middle of nowhere and spent lots of time talking, crying and eating. 

Of course, Fudge is missing from this photo, so here's an old one from summer 2010 of all 3 of us!

Day 9 Capture Your Grief - Special Place

You never imagine that you will go into hospital pregnant and full of hope but come out with a bunch of information about funerals for babies. It's not right. Parents aren't supposed to bury their children, no matter the age. 

Dan and I didn't really think about the practicalities of organising a funeral too much but since I had a few days in hospital after having Isla, I started to consider the options. Baby garden with the other babies, a grave yard plot or something else. Driving out to see Dad in the beautiful South Hams, we had driven past a sign for the Woodland Burial Ground a hundred times at least. It had caught my eye a few times over the years as somewhere I thought was a lovely idea, but I'd want to be cremated so it never really registered properly. 

But it popped into my head in that hospital room and just felt right. Close to Dad's home, near our favourite dog walks, and somewhere we would feel comfortable visiting Isla. For me, the big selling point was that she would be surrounded by nature. Beautiful flowers and trees growing around her forever, creatures thriving in the earth and butterflies loving being around her. She would be surrounded by beauty and growth - she never got to grow up but could be amongst life. The idea is that eventually the plots will return to nature and the whole site will be a wild woodland once again. 

I think it's perfect.                                                            (click to enlarge)

It was a lovely day, the sun was shining. It was a quick 'service' by a minister we know well, Andy Caldwell - very simple but all we needed. For us, it was about having our loved ones around us. We had originally wanted it to be small, just the 2 of us and direct family. But more and more people asked to come, wanted to be with us and support us, recognising our daughter. She touched more people than we could have fathomed and that became clear on the 30th July 2012. 

The photo shows me standing aside her grave to show the size of it really. I was taken aback by how tiny she looked compared to other adult-sized mounds of earth. You can also see the little butterfly I made for her.  The other photo is a poem I tied to the tree that is at the head of her grave. It flew away into the wind over the next few days, which I liked - she took it for herself! The ribbons are still there and I've added more to her grave since. 

These last photos are how it currently looks:

Looking prettier...

I do like the 'natural' look of Isla's grave. It was the whole point of putting her there. But I just wanted something that recognised that she was there. So that's why I put the butterfly stones on there, which were still there today. 

I've also ordered some bits to mark it and some have come already - just a little plaque to come now. 

Got a little statue of hands cradling a baby and some artificial pink wild rose blossoms. I think it looks really pretty now and I'll put the little plaque at the foot of her grave when it comes next week. 

Visited Isla's grave today.....

....... And it definitely needs something to 'mark' it. Someone is moving in next door and she looks so tiny compared to the space they are going to take up. Look how tiny she is!

So I made a little butterfly shape out of stones - kept me occupied for a few minutes anyway!

The note I wrote the other day had blown away so I'll find a way to put it up there more permanently, but have ordered a couple of little bits to mark her spot in the mean time. I'll put pics of them up when they come. 

Had a funny day today. Had a cry at Isla's grave - find myself apologising to her lots. 

Apologising for not remembering to stop for flowers on the way out!
Apologising for letting her die. 
Apologising that she was dying inside me for 2 weeks and I didn't know.
Apologising that she suffered. 
Apologising that she'll never get to grow up.
Apologising that she'll never get cuddled by mummy or daddy again. 

But I mostly tell her I love her and miss her.

So much it hurts. 

Isla's beautiful resting place

Yesterday was my first full day back from France and I spent most of the day in my dressing gown browsing loss websites and blogs. But then I needed to take Fudge out for a walk and needed to go and 'see' my baby girl.

It was such a beautiful day and the burial ground actually took my breath away - it was so stunning up there! And the tiny size of her grave also took my breath away. You can tell just by looking at it that it's a very tiny person that is buried there. 

I had written a little card for her and tied it to the tree with some pink ribbon bows too. 

What a lovely spot for a beautiful little girl.