Friday, 12 July 2013

1 year on...

I really don't know what to say. Having a rainbow baby doesn't take away the pain of having lost Isla. This little one, yet to be born, will not replace her. It feels strange to be a year on and in the very week that last year began the worst time of my life, yet looking forward to such a happy time. Ugh, such a muddle of emotion.

Today is the Friday I was in labour, tomorrow is the 13th, so the actual anniversary of Isla's arrival into our lives - her birthday really. She was born. She may not have breathed a breath, but she was born.

We are going up to her woodland burial site tomorrow. I will just lay some flowers and maybe leave a little poem for her. I want to take her memory box up. Family are coming and we will have lunch at our favourite pub, where we also went after her funeral.

I'd like, in the future, to have some sort of tradition that we do. On her due date late year, Dan and I climbed a mountain, Pen-y-Fan in Wales, and laid a stone for her. If I wasn't pregnant this year, I'd have loved us to go up there again. So maybe next year, on her birthday we could do that, with our rainbow in tow too!

I just feel strange. Grieving Isla makes me grieve Dad and the sadness feels so raw. But it is a different sadness. I don't let it consume me. I have a beautiful new life booting me from the inside and I am so happy to be preparing for her imminent arrival! I don't put too much into dates, but I am actually really pleased that this time of year won't forever only be about sadness. We have allowed happiness back into our lives and that is just so precious now.

I feel like I'm rambling, like this is just random wittering. Oh well. Are there ever really the right words?
They say there is a reason,
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason,
Will change the way I feel.
For no-one knows the heartache,
That lies behind our smiles,
No-one knows how many times,
We have broken down and cried.
We want to tell you something,
So there won’t be any doubt,
You’re so wonderful to think of,
But so hard to be without.