Coming up...

Tomorrow is the 1st October. October is Baby Loss Awareness month and, like last year, the Capture Your Grief project will be running. I really loved doing this project last year and feel I gained so much from it, in terms of healing and acceptance. The gorgeous website of Carly-Marie has all the details:

http://carlymarieprojectheal.com

So tomorrow it starts. I'm in such a different place to last year. I'm going to be pasting the posts from last year below this year's to clearly see the differences. I guess some things will remain the same, but my views on them will have changed in some ways. 

Dan and I were talking earlier about the project. The first day is 'Sunrise'. I'm rubbish at getting up early but will try and get a morning shot, depending on when Caleigh wakes me for food! We went on to then discuss how our grief has changed because of Caleigh. I don't grieve in the same way at all any more. Aside from not having the time, my heart is filled with joy thanks to Caleigh. The hole in my heart is still there but she has lessened the pain of it. 

And then I start to think about how Caleigh wouldn't be here if we still had Isla. And then my heart starts to ache and my head starts to explode! I will explore these feelings in the coming days. 

And then what? At the moment, I think this project may signal the 'end' of this blog. But then, it'd be nice to drop in every one and then, I guess. And what about Capture Your Grief 2014? How much will have changed by then? I can only imagine! 

So, here we go...

I post on grief...

I'm in a whole other place now. A place I would not be in if Isla were here. That is a quandary and so hard to consider because Caleigh is the most wonderful being in the world. 

I came across this quote from C.S. Lewis today and I think it describes grief so perfectly. Especially when you feel like you are, we'll, moving on with life. But I don't like to think of moving on, as I've discussed on this blog before. 

“Getting over it so soon? But the words are ambiguous. To say the patient is getting over it after an operation for appendicitis is one thing; after he’s had his leg off is quite another. After that operation either the wounded stump heals or the man dies. If it heals, the fierce, continuous pain will stop. Presently he’ll get back his strength and be able to stump about on his wooden leg. He has ‘got over it.’ But he will probably have recurrent pains in the stump all his life, and perhaps pretty bad ones; and he will always be a one-legged man. There will be hardly any moment when he forgets it. Bathing, dressing, sitting down and getting up again, even lying in bed, will all be different. His whole way of life will be changed. All sorts of pleasures and activities that he once took for granted will have to be simply written off. Duties too. At present I am learning to get about on crutches. Perhaps I shall presently be given a wooden leg. But I shall never be a biped again.”

― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

Caleigh is my wooden leg.