Dan must be feeling it too...

Dan tells me he worries more about me than thinks about Isla now. I can see how that can happen but I'm consciously trying to make sure I ask him how he is doing too. 

Here's a poem from a dad's point of view:

     It must be very difficult

To be a man in grief,

since "men don't cry"

and "men are strong"

No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult

To stand up to the test,

And field the calls and visitors

So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's alright

And what she's going through,

But seldom take his hand and ask,

"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night

And thinks his heart will break.

He dries her tears and comforts her,

But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult

To start each day anew.

And try to be so very brave-

He lost his baby too.

                                       

                                                     ~Author Unknown

France diary Day 6: Le Grenit & Carnac

Today we finally had good sun! We sat out on the patio and read our books in sunshine. I now look like a lobster! Well a striped down the front lobster. I look a wally!

Then we packed and tidied and then drove to Carnac to get dinner. We thought the town was a bit poxy so nearly left but drove to look at the beaches and that's where it was all happening! Found a nice bar for some vino, some prawns and a burger. Yum!

Came home and packed the car and went to bed with a book ready for 4am start tomorrow!! Lovely!!

How am I feeling? Dan and I had a good chat. I told him about my anger and my worries and how I want to run away and change everything about my life cos this one ain't working in so many ways. He's worried I'll get depressed and do something silly to harm myself. I told him I feel insecure and unconfident in myself. I feel needy and clingy and reliant on him and others. I don't know what to do for the 3 weeks of summer left but then am dreading going back to work. Arghhhh!!

France diary Day 5: Bieuzy-Lanvaux

Today I am angry. Angry that our daughter died when she could have been saved. Angry that Fay got given an immunity test for pv and I was told no. Angry that some people can get pregnant so easily and have no problems whatsoever but we struggled with the whole process. Angry that we've got to start the whole process again. But mostly angry that she might not have had to die. She could have lived. Not that she should have caught pv anyway cos I shouldn't have caught it cos people should know more about it and there should be a vaccine.

France diary Day 4: Locmariaquer

I should be pregnant. I am angry. Hate that I am not so. Want to cry but we are in a cafe. Why has this happened to us? I've seen 3 pregnant women today, all about same as I was. I bet they're excited and have bought loads of stuff ready for baby. As I was, completely naive that even so late in pregnancy things can go so disastrously wrong. Sadness hits me over and over.

France diary Day 4: Le grenit

She was going to be amazing. Beautiful. Clever. Funny. Just all round amazing. So beautiful already but taken from us so early. I miss her so much but so desperately want the chance to have gotten to know her. The depth of my sadness takes my breath away.

They say there is a reason,

They say that time will heal,

But neither time nor reason,

Will change the way I feel,

For no-one knows the heartache,

That lies behind our smiles,

No-one knows how many times,

We have broken down and cried,

We want to tell you something,

So there won't be any doubt,

You're so wonderful to think of,

But so hard to be without.

France diary Day 3 - Le Grenit

Very lazy day on our anniversary. I seem to just be sleeping today. Can't stop thinking that Isla may have been our one chance at a baby. I miss her so much and miss being pregnant more than anything before. I get so angry about parvovirus that I want to scream and throw things. Hate hate hate the thought of going back to work in that school. I'm a mess basically.

France Diary Day 1: Old town near Boules

I was having a bad day. Feeling ridiculously sad. Had felt sad on the ferry crossing the day before too. Felt I was leaving Isla behind, like I shouldn't be leaving her. She was supposed to be coming with us in my pregnant belly. Keep trying to buck up but struggling badly. Any lull in noise or talk around me and I'm there with her in some stage of the process. I catch myself feeling happy for a second and pull myself together. I literally have to take deep breaths to save from crying all the time I don't know how Dan is going to put up with me at this rate. He must be getting fed up already.