Saturday, 12 July 2014

Two days, two years apart

It was an odd day in 2012. It was the Thursday. We had only been home from the hospital since about half 4am and had cried and cuddled to sleep. I had had part one of the induction medicine and been told I may start bleeding or contracting, so basically to stay in bed. Family visited in the day and helped us smile and talk. The midwife came round to check my urine and generally cover her back - "we could never have known"...

But it was a limbo day. Little did we know the absolute horror that was coming. Yes, we knew Isla had died. (We had now called her that.) But so much more was to hit us yet. 

It was at some point that day that Dan packed away the baby stuff and his friend came and picked it up. A sad little pile of clothes, comforters, shoes and books, all heaped into a Moses basket with rocking stand. Our friend cried and we cried. I grabbed a muslin from the basket before it was carried out of the door. It was on the top and felt like something 'useful'. For what, I didn't know. 

We didn't know that people take clothes or blankets for their dead baby, or that they arrange for photos to be taken, or that we might want to bath her or see her with a certain toy. 

Over that day, I would read up about stillbirth and what sorts of things people did and choices they could make. But it was still not reality. Everything was still just a blur. 

Two years later, we are in Abergavenny and today have climbed Pen y Fan mountain. Highest peak in Southern Britain. We climbed it in October 2012, which was the weekend of Isla's due date. We laid a stone engraved with her name. Little did we know that a mere two weeks later, I would be pregnant again!
The original stone and climb

So today we went up again and this time we had Caleigh too! What a different experience. Aside from a challenging climb (I helped with the baby carrier too!), we couldn't find the original stone we had placed. I had sort of expected not to find it but it was harder than I thought not finding it still there somewhere. But we laid a new stone in memory of Isla anyway. We've hidden it under a big rock so hopefully we can find it next time. 

A really lovely day, a successful climb and a great achievement. 

Just trying to mentally prepare for tomorrow now,,,

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