Wednesday, 9 July 2014

It starts...

I have this app on my phone called Timehop. It shows you previous Facebook activity from the past 6 years or so, for that particular day. Obviously, I know we are heading towards Isla's birthday but nothing can really prepare you, I think. 

The next couple of days of Facebook statuses from 2 years ago are going to hurt. They are going to bring back some pretty heavy memories and feelings. This is what Timehop showed me today. 

This was the day my feet swelled like balloons. The mirror syndrome was starting - I was getting pre-eclampsia and Isla was dying. She had been slowly dying, really, for a couple of weeks but it was mirroring in me now. It will haunt me forever that I should have forced someone to listen to me. I'd put on 8lb in a week. 1 stone in 2 weeks. There is a tremendous amount of guilt and sadness linked to these few days in history. Why did I not realise that she wasn't kicking me? Why did I not just go to the hospital and demand to be seen? Why did I not take things more seriously? 

And then my sensible head kicks in. I was naive. I was a first time mum at nearly 27 weeks. Why would anything possibly be going wrong? Things don't, do they?

I'll keep posting over the coming few days as these feelings come to the surface. It's the only thing I can do, really. I know there's much more pain to come. 

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