So a question for my Christian friends and folk: Really? Is there really a God? A God who doesn't answer prayers. A God who has a grand plan that involves killing my beautiful baby girl? Seriously? A God who lets all this happen in the last 2-3 years:
2010 - Find out Dad has brain cancer (grade 4 blastoglioma) in January. Spend a year having quality time as a family and cherishing each moment with our wonderful, 53 year old dad.
2011 - Dad dies 14.1.11, funeral 24.1.11
Little brother (24 years old) finds a lump in his throat in March
Brother has half his thyroid removed in August. They do a biopsy and find follicular thyroid cancer.
Has the rest of his thyroid removed in September.
Sister has a miscarriage at 10 weeks in November. All very nasty and 'lasts' 4 weeks with lots of hospital visits and a final operation.
2012 - looking good so far - was it just 2011 that was going to be officially known as 'The Year of Sh!t' from now on? Maybe 2012 would be 'our year' - a different year!
Started with sister's wedding in January
Find out I'm pregnant on Valentines Day - following 4 long years of trying to conceive with both male and female infertility factors and then 3 rounds of failed ICSI/IVF, we had given up - officially! Then our little miracle girl happened!
Brother gets the 'all clear' in February
For a whole 5 months from then, I was the happiest I have ever been in my life, truly believing that our one good egg and one good sperm was going to bring us a little bundle of joy in October.
At the start of 2012 our whole family finally felt our prayers were not only being heard, but being listened to. We could try to put 2011, 'The Year of Sh!t' behind us and move on into 2012 a whole lot happier.
So, from a Christian point of view, I'd kind of accepted that dad dying had brought our family closer together so had 1 good aspect I guess. That's really digging deep for something, I tell you, but I moved on with it and, after a year, felt I had accepted what had happened to him, then my brother, then my sister.
And then we lost Isla. Now as a Christian, you're supposed to believe that God has this grand plan for you. That he knows the path I will walk in life and that he looks after me the whole way. Apparently he won't let me suffer and will carry me through the bad times. Apparently he listens to my prayers and answers every one. Really? REALLY?
If the God that I believe in can honestly take away my beautiful, precious little girl because it's part of a grand plan he has for me, then quite frankly I want none of it. I would rather believe there was no God at all than one that could be so cruel.
So, Christian friends - can you answer me, in all honesty - WHY?