Thursday, 30 August 2012

Here's looking at you, God

So a question for my Christian friends and folk: Really? Is there really a God? A God who doesn't answer prayers. A God who has a grand plan that involves killing my beautiful baby girl? Seriously? A God who lets all this happen in the last 2-3 years:

2010 - Find out Dad has brain cancer (grade 4 blastoglioma in January. Spend a year having quality time as a family and cherishing each moment with our wonderful, 53 year old dad. 
2011 - Dad dies 14.1.11, funeral 24.1.11
Little brother (24 years old) finds a lump in his throat in March
Brother has half his thyroid removed in August. They do a biopsy and find follicular thyroid cancer. 
Has the rest of his thyroid removed in September.
Sister has a miscarriage at 10 weeks in November. All very nasty and 'lasts' 4 weeks with lots of hospital visits and a final operation.

2012 - looking good so far - was it just 2011 that was going to be officially known as 'The Year of Sh!t' from now on? Maybe 2012 would be 'our year' - a different year!
Started with sister's wedding in January
Find out I'm pregnant on Valentines Day - following 4 long years of trying to conceive with both male and female infertility factors and then 3 rounds of failed ICSI/IVF, we had given up - officially! Then our little miracle girl happened!
Brother gets the 'all clear' in February
For a whole 5 months from then, I was the happiest I have ever been in my life, truly believing that our one good egg and one good sperm was going to bring us a little bundle of joy in October. 
At the start of 2012 our whole family finally felt our prayers were not only being heard, but being listened to. We could try to put 2011, 'The Year of Sh!t' behind us and move on into 2012 a whole lot happier.

But no.

So, from a Christian point of view, I'd kind of accepted that dad dying had brought our family closer together so had 1 good aspect I guess. That's really digging deep for something, I tell you, but I moved on with it and, after a year, felt I had accepted what had happened to him, then my brother, then my sister.

And then we lost Isla. Now as a Christian, you're supposed to believe that God has this grand plan for you. That he knows the path I will walk in life and that he looks after me the whole way. Apparently he won't let me suffer and will carry me through the bad times. Apparently he listens to my prayers and answers every one. Really? REALLY?

If the God that I believe in can honestly take away my beautiful, precious little girl because it's part of a grand plan he has for me, then quite frankly I want none of it. I would rather believe there was no God at all than one that could be so cruel. 

So, Christian friends - can you answer me, in all honesty - WHY?


  1. Hi Sara, I just wanted to tell you something that comforted me when Gabriel died. I too questioned God's plan, and finally came to terms with the realization that his master plan is just beyond human comprehension. I like to think of God as our father and we are his children. And like all young children, it's impossible to understand why our Father forces us to suffer or to accept that He knows what is best even if it doesn't feel right. I remember when I was a child, and my parents would punish me or force me to do things I didn't want, but I look back and realize now that I am a better person and my parents really did know best. I really do believe deep down that God gives us challenges in order to strengthen and teach us and that he has taken our children to His home in heaven.

    It often feels cruel, but I take a lot of comfort in knowing that God did what was best for my son, not what was best for me. I'd be willing to suffer a million lifetimes if it means that my son can be happy and perfectly at peace in Heaven. I believe one day that I'll arrive in Heaven and know with profound understanding exactly why God took him from me on that horrible day.

    And keep in mind that God's great master plan included the suffering and death of His own son. Even Jesus had a hard time believing in his Father's plan at times, so I think it's very natural for you to question it.

    When I was pregnant I wrote a letter to God telling him how angry I was and how cruel it felt that he was forcing an innocent baby to die. I would encourage you to do the same and read it in a few months and see if you feel the same. I read my letter recently, and realized that I no longer have that anger. I think in someway, God actually wrote me back. I feel a peace inside that I didn't have before. I can't really explain it, but I hope that you can feel it one day too.

    I hope this helps you. Sorry it's so long!

  2. I too have felt this anger towards God. Why oh why didnt He allow my son to live? In those darkest of dark moments, though, my mind just keeps going back to the cross. The love that held my savior there... body beaten and broken, soul crying out "my God, my God, why have You forsaken me?" If He loves me enough to do that for me, then somehow I must trust Him during this storm. I dont understand it, and I still feel angry at times, but I must trust this Love that would suffer so on my behalf.
    Hurting with you.