Panic...lost...pain...tears...confusion...hurt...failure...love

I don't know how I'm feeling at the moment but this week has been a funny one. I've been up with mum and step-dad in Newcastle. I've had fun, eaten lots and remembered Isla tons. Some points to note from this week include:

• I had a 'heated debate' with my sister this week which I found hard work and very draining. It's consumed too many of my thoughts recently so I am hoping to move on from it now. 

• Am able to talk openly to my mum about Isla which is really good. She lost her grand-daughter and has been hurting too so it's someone else feeling similar pain to me. 

• Was missing Dan a great deal this week - he was working in Oxford. It was so lovely when he came up on Friday and met us at the house in Yorkshire. It highlighted how needy I feel at the moment. So insecure in myself and how much I lack confidence. 

• I wrote on a forum I've been on for a long time (an infertility treatment one) that I hated my body because it killed Isla. That is very much true. I literally, physically punch myself in the stomach sometimes because it is empty when it should be very much full. I didn't manage to do the job I was commissioned to do - protect, grow and nurture my baby girl. What a failure have I been. These thoughts haunt me. 

• It struck me this week that the thought of lying to my midwife that there was an actual case of Parvovirus in my school had crossed my mind at 16 weeks. But at the time, I "couldn't be bothered". What a terrifying realisation, that if I had been bothered to go through fortnightly tests and scans, they would have picked up on my non-immunity and then kept monitoring me, thereby picking up on the hydrops and she would still be here. I would most probably still have my baby girl. 

• I have started having a very physical reaction to thinking about all things Isla and pregnancy. Speaking to mum has made me realise I think it's a sort of panic attack. I feel a wash of nausea, lack of breath and faintness coming over me when I think about Isla, when I think about the happiness of being pregnant finally and when I think about a future without my precious girl. It's something I think I will need to keep an eye on and maybe go to the doctors about. 

• Related to the above, I have started looking into counselling at the Plymouth Pregnancy Crisis Centre. I know they do a course for those facing pregnancy loss called 'The Journey' and I will look into that when I get back to Plymouth.

On a different note, we have found a house we think we'd love to rent so are keeping our fingers tightly crossed that it doesn't 'go' by Wednesday when we're booked to view it. We're not exactly feeling like the universe is 'with us' at the moment, so aren't getting our hopes up too high, but here's hoping!