Monday, 13 August 2012

It's my birthday but I don't care...

I'm not big on birthdays anyway usually. I don't go all out and am not bothered about the actual age I am. But today I am 32. 
I should be 30+4 weeks pregnant. I need to be pregnant - with Isla. Why aren't I? Why is life unfair?
Isla was born sleeping exactly 1 month ago. 

I liked that she was born on Friday 13th at the time because it was somehow related to me - I've always had 13 as my favourite number as it is my birthday and certainly never believed in the Friday 13th bad luck myth. I still don't think it was Friday 13th that took her (duh!) - in fact, she died on Weds 11th. 

But it's still so raw - the following days are blacklisted for me at the moment:

~ All Fridays
~ All Wednesdays
~ Any 13th dates
~ October 18th (due date)
~ July 30th - Funeral

I'm sure the pain of those days will get easier but am I going to enjoy today? I'll try but the pain is unbearable at the moment. 

I was given a bible quote last night about not grieving without hope. I have hope - in dribs and drabs - but need more!

1 comment:

  1. Wishing you a peaceful day. My 31st birthday was two weeks after Molly's funeral and my 32nd birthday was the day after Grace's funeral. I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide. I grudged every 'happy birthday' that was directed my way. It's horrible. I have so many blacklisted days now, too many. I am trying to claim them back (apart from the obvious ie birthdays). Sometimes it's just all too much. Huge hugs xx