Totally forgot that I also need to release the guilt over now feeling happy. Caleigh has brought true happiness back to our lives. The tremendous guilt I now feel around that dilemma of 'If Isla had lived, we wouldn't have Caleigh'. How can I crave one daughter when it means not having the other? And how can I know for a fact that Caleigh was always meant to 'be' when it means I must believe we had to lose Isla in the process? This is where my brain starts to implode!! How can I release this confusion?
Today I went for lunch at the Ship Inn, Noss Mayo
Then laid some flowers on Isla's grave.
Then we had a lovely riverside walk with Fudge and my friend Jess. A very lovely way to spend the day. I do hope Dan managed to find some peace today amongst his hard work.
But because Dan was away, I have chosen a photo of us the week after Isla's funeral, when we were in France. I have this photo up in our living room. I don't have any photos of Isla up at all but this photo reminds me of that time. Of the week we escaped to the middle of nowhere and spent lots of time talking, crying and eating.
Of course, Fudge is missing from this photo, so here's an old one from summer 2010 of all 3 of us!