Day 18 - Release

Day 18 - Release

I have, over the last year, released a lot of emotions, so this has been easy to think of but incredibly hard to think about. 

I  have tried very hard to release the guilt over 'killing' Isla with parvovirus B19 (slapped cheek). Now that has been bloody hard and actually I do still get upset that it was a virus in me that she died from. I absolutely hate that she only had it mild to moderately, so was dying slowly within me for a couple of weeks and had anyone listened to me, she could have been saved. How can a mother truly get over that guilt?

Which leads me to the release of fear. Fear became such a huge part of my grief last year. I was heavily grieving a future I no longer believed possible - that of ever becoming a mother to a living child. Getting pregnant then brought with it a whole host of other fears but we have our much-wanted future in Caleigh now. So I can release that fear in particular. I'm still fearful of other things happening to Caleigh but a prevailing fear is for other pregnant women - that they may suffer the same tragedy as we did and, even worse for me, that it would be due to parvovirus.  

Finally, I can release the deep, deep sadness I felt this time last year. The person that sat in that counselling room, that had to be signed off work, that constantly shouted at God, that shook with jealousy towards happy and content people and that cried herself to sleep every night. How I hope and pray I never have to go to that dark place again. And that's just it - these can be released because of HOPE. 

Edited later this day to write the following:

Totally forgot that I also need to release the guilt over now feeling happy. Caleigh has brought true happiness back to our lives. The tremendous guilt I now feel around that dilemma of 'If Isla had lived, we wouldn't have Caleigh'. How can I crave one daughter when it means not having the other? And how can I know for a fact that Caleigh was always meant to 'be' when it means I must believe we had to lose Isla in the process? This is where my brain starts to implode!! How can I release this confusion? 

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2012 Entry

Day 18 Capture Your Grief - Family Portrait

I can't take a family portrait today because Dan had to go to Scotland to work. Today is our due date and both of us were dreading being apart. However, thanks to great friends I know that I have certainly found more peace today than I thought I would. He is meeting me tomorrow in the Brecon Beacons to prepare for our mountain climb on Saturday!

Today I went for lunch at the Ship Inn, Noss Mayo

Then laid some flowers on Isla's grave.

Then we had a lovely riverside walk with Fudge and my friend Jess. A very lovely way to spend the day. I do hope Dan managed to find some peace today amongst his hard work. 

But because Dan was away, I have chosen a photo of us the week after Isla's funeral, when we were in France. I have this photo up in our living room. I don't have any photos of Isla up at all but this photo reminds me of that time. Of the week we escaped to the middle of nowhere and spent lots of time talking, crying and eating. 

Of course, Fudge is missing from this photo, so here's an old one from summer 2010 of all 3 of us!